The Story of Tikva (My Journey to Judaism)

I started writing this almost five months ago. I really wanted to think this through and try to give the entire story and thought process. Thank you for being patient. 🙂

 

August 25th, 2013. My conversion to Judaism. My homecoming, as it were. A plethora of years spent searching had come to fruition. I am a Jew.

I was born at Womens and Childrens hospital in Charleston, WV at 2:56pm on January 7th, 1991 via emergency C-section. I was sunny side up and had the umbilical cord wrapped thrice around my neck. I DID NOT want to come out.
I have two siblings, both younger. Nicole, born August 28th 1992, and Justin, born October 2nd 1995. Our parents divorced when he was six months old.

I can only assume that my mom was bitter. She hated G-d and church and anything pertaining to them. My father found religion not long before he abandoned us, due to my mother. My mawmaw tried to get us in church, but due to my mother’s disdain, she only did so sporadically. We relished being out of the house, but I never felt entirely comfortable. Many family members made us feel inferior because we weren’t in church every sunday. Mom made us feel bad because we went in the first place.

Fast forward: I was in sixth grade, and we started reading Number the Stars, by Lois Lowry. I fell in love with this book. I wanted to know more about this mystical religion. Judaism.

I started with learning about HaShoah. The Holocaust. I knew the risks before the benefits, in hindsight. The Holocaust was an awful, horrid massacre of several peoples. For no reason. And that intrigued me. What could this people, the Jews, possibly have done to warrant this? Nothing. They did nothing. But, from this, I learned about how amazing Judaism as a religion is. I was enamored. I flew through every single religion/jewish book in Saint Albans Public Library I could find. I found out that it made more sense to me than anything else I had ever come across regarding religion.

As an eleven year old though, I apparently couldn’t decide to convert right then and there. But I did what I could regarding shabbat and holidays. I lit a candle when I got home from football games on friday nights. I made a hanukiah for hanukkah. It wasn’t correct. It wasn’t as halakhah-ly legit as it could’ve been. I still had a secular christmas with my family. I still received an easter basket. But we weren’t a religious household in any way, shape, or form.

When I got to college, I started studying deeper. I found more books, more information. I met my now husband. One night, I was looking online for more resources, and Hashem led me to the website of B’nai Jacob Synagogue. I emailed Rabbi Victor Urecki and asked how I could convert.

This was 2am. And he got back to me within 5 minutes. We set up a meeting and started the conversion process.

My now husband was not Jewish. I converted for myself. And then I started down the path of orthodoxy.

And now, my beshert is about to start the conversion process himself. I am convinced that Hashem led me down this path for a reason. And I am happy to say that I am just now starting to see what the reason(s) may be.

 

Drained in the Membrane

Beaten against the wall, my mind in shambles. Trying to piece my soul together, little bit from here, a little bit from there. How can I make this work? Tape. Glue. Sweat. Tears. Each day passes in the rut like a reoccuring nightmare, the veil growing thinner with each passing night. Days of grinding my teeth, holding my tongue. Money is needed. Money is not enough. The well is dangerously low too often. Saving gets you out of the rut. You don’t really need to eat more. Dreams of more became reminders of things long out of reach. How did we become so jaded? How did it take so long? Can we put our souls together, missing half the pieces, lacking all the knowledge, holding a plethora of uncertainty with our caulloused hands?

Feelin’ Rough

I’ve been having a bit of a spiritual crisis lately. I really want to be a full on frum jew. But surroundings and such make it difficult. I could just need to put on my big girl britches and deal. I find that my commitment to being orthodox is being tested. Hard. Some of it comes from myself, but most is from work and strangers. I find myself constantly defending my choice and if I do give in one day, it’s questioned whether or not I must do the things I do after all. 

A big point of contention is covering my hair. No one gets it. I have given in before, for a few days, just to give myself a break from the comments. I honestly have no idea what to do. 

I have had people tell me that they thought a jew couldn’t marry an african american. Seriously. We are at that level of ignorance. And try as I might, I am not able to bust through that particular wall. Hashem help me, I have thought about trying to move. And the fact that I think that at all saddens me. It’s hard enough being a jew in WV. Trying to be orthodox is a whole other ball game. /End rant

The Healthy Life Market is My New Favorite Place

Organic fruits, veggies, coffee, herbs, medicine. The smell of some essential oil puffing around from a humidifier. Mini magazines for healthy,organic living. Four aisles of granola-crunchin goodness.

Why aren’t there more of these?!?

And then I spy the price tags…”5.50 for a loaf of bread?!? That’s outrageous!!!” I,of course, am thinking this to myself. Yes, better for me, better for the environment, but at Kroger, I could buy five loaves of bread for that price.

I decide to splurge a bit and put it in the obligatory plastic generic grocery basket. Proceed with wandering…. fancy organic equal exchange coffee? Nifty. Dropped into basket. Nice scented incense? Oh yes. Twenty lovely sticks find their way into the basket.

“Let’s see…” I mumble. Tofurkey? Score for healthy AND kosher. With cheese. Lots and lots of cheese. Which I bought at Kroger. Because cheese.

Oooooo fancy, homemade soap. Laundry detergent.Toothpaste.Perfume.Nail polish.MakeupShampooConditionerPetFoodPetMedicine…

They have anything that you could possibly want. And it’s all natural.

I managed to only spend $10 that day. I got to make mental future shopping lists for a better financially stable time, when we could afford to be healthier, greener, kinder to the earth and ourselves.

There are things that are cheap or free that I want to start doing. Recycling. Making some of our own things, such as dryer sheets. (Which is uber easy btw). Just soak washrags in fabric softener for a few hours and then hang to COMPLETELY dry. Then use until the smell of the fabric softener disappears. Repeat. Nifty. You can even make your own fabric softener, I just haven’t gotten there yet.

Anywho, Healthy Life Market rocks. I just wish you weren’t so expensive.

And Rosencrantz. Because look at that belly!!!

The Hanukkah Without a Christmas Tree

Eight miracles. The Festival of Lights. The Hanukkah Bush?!?

My dear sweet husband is a gentile, aka not Jewish. I did not grow up Jewish. I’ve always had a Christmas tree. When I converted to Judaism a year and a half ago, I had no qualms about giving up Easter and Christmas and the Christmas tree for myself and future my children. I never, NEVER considered taking said tree away from my hubby. Religion is not something to be forced upon someone and I refused to do such to him.

That being said, one could say that I have been given my Hanukkah present; my husband doesn’t feel the need to have a Christmas tree. At all. Not only has this man supported me during my conversion process and all that it entails, he has supported me while I have slowly and steadily crept towards Orthodox Judaism. This man is not religious at all with the exception of believing that there is some sort of higher being.

This Gentile man makes sure that I light the Shabbos candles every week, that I don’t do anything to break Shabbos, supports me covering my hair. The only non-Jewish things that happen in our house are the Christmas tree and my husband’s love of bacon.

I feel that I am doing very well in the “fruming out” department considering that there are no Orthodox Jews that I am aware of in WV. I am so thankful and grateful that Hashem has given me such a wonderful, understanding, and supportive husband and while I know that most Orthodox may not consider me a Jew and that my husband and I did not have a Jewish wedding, Hashem gave him to me, and me to him for a reason. One of my many Hanukkah miracles is my husband. B”h

Now to the present part! I am going to be giving away my copy of A Jewish Woman’s Prayer Book edited by Aliza Lavie. I want to hear your stories. I want your proudness, your sadness, your Jewishness. Why is Hanukkah magical this year or in years’ past?

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I’m participating in a #HanukkahHoopla with 7 other Jewish bloggers. In the spirit of the season, we’re giving 8 gifts to 8 lucky commenters. Click on the menorah to be magically transported to the schedule where you’ll find links to visit other fabulous writers and increase your chances of winning holiday cyber-swag! (If the menorah doesn’t work, the link above it should.)